The Last Great Mystery

Why the hell would the second horniest man in America (Barry White was first horniest) want anything to do with this? I can't figure it out.

The New Face of the Democratic Party

The Democratic Party will now screen all candidates of all parties for public office with Larry Flynt. Mr. Flynt, former morals advisor to Bill Clinton, will approve or disapprove all candidates and current officeholders.

Dem party chairman Howard Dean told the press, "We wanted someone that represented the best of our values. No one represents what is truly in the heart of every loyal democrat more than Mr. Flynt."

Democrats Schedule Rigged Debate

It was announced today that Logo, the gay network, will sponsor a democratic presidential candidate debate next month. It would be stupid for any of the front runners to participate in this debate that has already been won by John Edwards.

Call for Revolution Fails

Thousands of stoned rock fans were confused when Al Gore mounted the stage and urged the crowd to storm the palace and kill the Czar and his family. "The Ocktober Revolution has begun!" Al Gore declared. After silence and and a few murmurs from the crowd, the former vice president was led away by two men in white suits who informed the crowd that they were taking him to "a really nice place in the country" and that he "can have all the green jello he wants."

One fan who was interviewed, but refused to give his name because of an outstanding bench warrant said, "Like I was listening to Green Day, and this fat guy came out and interrupted the music, and I think he was one of the band members' father."

Al Sharpton's Position on Underage Sex

The Reverend (excuse me a moment-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA) Al Sharpton held a rally in Atlanta to show his support for fifteen year old girls giving oral sex. It is not known if the reverend (hold on a minute-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) is speaking from experience, but one thing is certain, he is all for it.

Corkey/Bad Parenting Update

Police report that in addition to his pot Al Gore III also had a stash of Valium, Xanax, Vicodin, Adderall and Soma. Just stocking up for Live Earth. Where are all those on the left that were making jokes about Rush Limbaugh's drug problems?

We Are Amazed

Al Gore III, known and loved by all when he played Corkey in Life Goes On, was arrested for DUI and narcotics possession doing 100 mph in a Prius. This is truly amazing. Not the DUI thing and the pot was probably Dad's. The fact that he got a girly car like a Prius up to 100 is an amazing feat. No doubt Algore used some carbon credits and had a souped up engine put in.

Assclown of the Day

RINO Senator Trent Lott needs to join Arlen Specter, Lindsey Grahamnesty, and John McQueeg and change parties. His behavior has demonstrated he is not a Republican any more. No one on his side of the aisle went as full out to pass the Kennedy Amnesty and Vote Farm Act. Then in the ultimate act of biting the hand that feeds you, he has come out in favor of the (Un) Fairness Doctrine to shut out conservative talk radio. Several years ago when the left and their media lackeys were ready to lynch him for making a joke for an old man, talk radio was his only defender. Benedict Lott is ready to hand them over to Pilate.

Bush Finally Does Something Right

After screwing up by supporting the Kennedy Amnesty and Vote Farm Act and failing to oppressively conduct the war on terror, George Bush finally did something right. We were starting to worry. By granting clemency to Scooter Libby, he fixed the abuses done by witch-hunter Patrick Fitzgerald and incompetent judge Reggie Walton. Now if he can only let the dogs loose in Iraq and Iran, maybe he can fix his broken administration.

Assclown of the Day Mayor Ken Livingstone

While London Police were disarming two bombs that would have killed thousands in his own city and an SUV met a fiery end at Glasgow Airport, the mayor of London took off time from his celebration of Tony Blair's retirement to make a statement clearing all members of the religion of peace and love from blame and presenting a convoluted conspiracy theory involving the British Government and Saudi royal family. Mr. Livingstone has suffered from Blair Derangement Syndrome, a disease much like Bush Derangement Syndrome, and Mr. Blair's retirement may have pushed him over the cliff. Either that or too much Beefeater's Gin in his tea.