Scooby Hsu, Where Are You?

Hillary fundraiser Norman Hsu failed to show up in court today and forfeited a $2 million bond. Odds are he is on his way to Beijing with the Chicoms. I guess he had a choice, forfeit the $2 million and go back to China, or show up then get a free one-way trip to Fort Marcy Park.

Enough of the Ho

I don't know the last Roman emperor to be diefied, but it probably hasn't happened for about 1800 years. And then in 1997 we not only diefied someone, the Pontifex Maximus was a drag queen.

I have heard more than enough in the past week about Dianna, Slut of Wales. She was sleeping arround with people who want to blow me up. She hated our military. One of her worshippers commented during the deification that Mother Theresa "had the nerve to die" the same week. That is enough for me. She was no saint, openly a sinner, and against every American value we hold dear.

Crybaby Update

The British newspaper Daily Express reports that whining moma's boy Beckham is going to leave America and return home to England. Seems that even people walking down the street scared him and he was having bad dreams at night about American football players. If only he could take all of the other girly-man pro soccer players back with him, that would be an accomplishement.

USC 2007 BCS National Champions

After their 38-10 victory over Idaho, who were 4-8 last year, the University of Southern Calfornia declared that they were BCS National Champions for the 2007 season. According to USC, this is the 85th season in a row that they are National Champions.

Whine it Like Beckham-Assclown of the Day

Soccer is the only game in the world where the fans are tougher than the players. In America, soccer was set to take over all sports and entertainment as David Beckam has arrived. He was greater than Christ's second coming plus he was doing a Spice Girl. Instead of a massive wave of soccer taking over America, we have been treated to a spectacle of complaining and whining. This weekend hundreds of thousands of Americans suit up in high school, college, and pro FOOTBALL. These young men will tough it out for the rest of the season, living and playing with pain that would put Beckam into a coma. So suck it up you whining English mama's boy. Go home but you can leave your wife.

One important note, SOCCER IS NOT FOOTBALL. Football is a game of skill, strength and fortitude played on a 120 yard field by 22 men. Soccer is something the girls play at PE. People who call soccer football are also usually socialists (see previous articles on Bono) and want to take money you earned away from you.

Chuckie's in Love?

Whenever any Republican anywhere does anything, nobody is quicker to run to a camera and spew venom and hate quicker than Sen. Charles Schumer, D-NY. People who have gotten between Chuckie and a TV camera have ended up in the hosptial. However not a word has been spoken by Shumer about the arrest, conviction, and resignation of Sen Larry Craig. We will be watching and digging deeper.

Why is this man smiling?

Why is Tom Brokaw smiling? Because Meriwether County Sheriff's Deputy Richard Jewell is dead. Brokaw cost NBC $500,000 plus whatever their shysters charged them, when they settled with Jewell in a libel case. Brokaw without fact or cause blamed then security guard Jewell for the bombing at the 1996 Altanta Olympics. It was later proven a seriel bomber had planted the bomb, but in a move that would make Dan Rather proud, Brokaw refuses to believe it. After all Jewell was a dumb redneck from the south, not a rich urbane well dressed New Yorker like he.

Richard has his wings. For all the years of lying about him and thousands of other stories, you have a much warmer reception waiting for you Tom.

Assclown of the Day-American Al Qaida

American Al Qaida terrorist Adam Gadahan, best known for playing Al Borland on Tool Time, has called for peace loving muslims around the world to blow up American embassies. Gadahan, who has been indicted in the U.S. for treason, has a $1,000,000 reward on his head by the FBI and and additional $100 reward from Pizza Hut if their table cloth is returned.

Remember, it is all about Peace and Love. And blowing up infidels.

Assclown Update

Socialist weather babe Heidi Cullen was interviewed in the NY Times this week about the statement she made that journalists who didn't believe in the global warming hoax should be fired. She denied saying this, she says that what she said was that they should be denied certification and unable to be hired. What is the difference?

Looking at this picture of Ms. Cullen, no, I wouldn't.

Assclowns of the Day-Is that you Dad?

In Venezuela, insane socialist America-hating dictator Hugo Chavez praised insane socialist America-hating actor Sean Penn. The man who is Jeff Spicoli was in Venezuela to bash America and meet the crazy tin horn. Chavez called Penn by phone to praise him, but considering Chavez' bad English and Penn's worse English, it is doubtful that either one understood the other. Tomorrow they meet in person, no doubt to do DNA swabs.

The Last Great Mystery

Why the hell would the second horniest man in America (Barry White was first horniest) want anything to do with this? I can't figure it out.

The New Face of the Democratic Party

The Democratic Party will now screen all candidates of all parties for public office with Larry Flynt. Mr. Flynt, former morals advisor to Bill Clinton, will approve or disapprove all candidates and current officeholders.

Dem party chairman Howard Dean told the press, "We wanted someone that represented the best of our values. No one represents what is truly in the heart of every loyal democrat more than Mr. Flynt."

Democrats Schedule Rigged Debate

It was announced today that Logo, the gay network, will sponsor a democratic presidential candidate debate next month. It would be stupid for any of the front runners to participate in this debate that has already been won by John Edwards.

Call for Revolution Fails

Thousands of stoned rock fans were confused when Al Gore mounted the stage and urged the crowd to storm the palace and kill the Czar and his family. "The Ocktober Revolution has begun!" Al Gore declared. After silence and and a few murmurs from the crowd, the former vice president was led away by two men in white suits who informed the crowd that they were taking him to "a really nice place in the country" and that he "can have all the green jello he wants."

One fan who was interviewed, but refused to give his name because of an outstanding bench warrant said, "Like I was listening to Green Day, and this fat guy came out and interrupted the music, and I think he was one of the band members' father."

Al Sharpton's Position on Underage Sex

The Reverend (excuse me a moment-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA) Al Sharpton held a rally in Atlanta to show his support for fifteen year old girls giving oral sex. It is not known if the reverend (hold on a minute-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) is speaking from experience, but one thing is certain, he is all for it.

Corkey/Bad Parenting Update

Police report that in addition to his pot Al Gore III also had a stash of Valium, Xanax, Vicodin, Adderall and Soma. Just stocking up for Live Earth. Where are all those on the left that were making jokes about Rush Limbaugh's drug problems?

We Are Amazed

Al Gore III, known and loved by all when he played Corkey in Life Goes On, was arrested for DUI and narcotics possession doing 100 mph in a Prius. This is truly amazing. Not the DUI thing and the pot was probably Dad's. The fact that he got a girly car like a Prius up to 100 is an amazing feat. No doubt Algore used some carbon credits and had a souped up engine put in.

Assclown of the Day

RINO Senator Trent Lott needs to join Arlen Specter, Lindsey Grahamnesty, and John McQueeg and change parties. His behavior has demonstrated he is not a Republican any more. No one on his side of the aisle went as full out to pass the Kennedy Amnesty and Vote Farm Act. Then in the ultimate act of biting the hand that feeds you, he has come out in favor of the (Un) Fairness Doctrine to shut out conservative talk radio. Several years ago when the left and their media lackeys were ready to lynch him for making a joke for an old man, talk radio was his only defender. Benedict Lott is ready to hand them over to Pilate.

Bush Finally Does Something Right

After screwing up by supporting the Kennedy Amnesty and Vote Farm Act and failing to oppressively conduct the war on terror, George Bush finally did something right. We were starting to worry. By granting clemency to Scooter Libby, he fixed the abuses done by witch-hunter Patrick Fitzgerald and incompetent judge Reggie Walton. Now if he can only let the dogs loose in Iraq and Iran, maybe he can fix his broken administration.

Assclown of the Day Mayor Ken Livingstone

While London Police were disarming two bombs that would have killed thousands in his own city and an SUV met a fiery end at Glasgow Airport, the mayor of London took off time from his celebration of Tony Blair's retirement to make a statement clearing all members of the religion of peace and love from blame and presenting a convoluted conspiracy theory involving the British Government and Saudi royal family. Mr. Livingstone has suffered from Blair Derangement Syndrome, a disease much like Bush Derangement Syndrome, and Mr. Blair's retirement may have pushed him over the cliff. Either that or too much Beefeater's Gin in his tea.